Cancer Sucks

I’m not Job from the bible.

Not even close.

So please don’t tell me I’m strong, because I’m not.

I feel weak today.  So weak.

I should be on my knees, but I’ve realized something. 

Amy pointed out that I probably felt betrayed by the Lord, and the truth of the statement rang out in my ears.  Truth that I’ve never wanted to admit, even in my own little mind, my conscious never whispered this idea to me because I could never be one of those people. 

One of those people angry at God.  Those people are weak and ridiculous, what a ridiculous idea to be angry at your Creator and Savior.  Doesn’t make sense. 

But maybe that’s who I am and that’s the demons I have to face. 

Who can truly love God when they hate themselves as much as I hate myself, that’s painful to Him. 

Life happens, and I’m not sure if it’s all as carefully organized and crafted by our Heavenly Father as we think, standing in the heavens and looking down on us deeming that we need this or we need that.  

I think that life just happens, the good (the best husband in the world), the bad (birth defects), and the ugly (cancer).    How do we deal with it?  That’s where the Savior plays a pivotal roll.   

How long can I stay off my knees in stubborn pride and anger? 

I realized that it’s so much easier to pray and plead for your husband, your child, but not yourself. 

I’m going to learn my lesson, I’m going to relearn to love the Lord & myself (because that's more closely tied together than I ever imagined), and I’m going to learn it a thousand times over, no matter what I have to wade through.  I might be down, but I’m stubborn as hell, and I won’t stay here long. 

Sunday night was so difficult.  I did not want to go to ARP - the Olypmics was on and it was raining.  These are perfect stay at home things but I made a committment. 
   Our meeting last night began with few and then stragglers came in one at a time. There were a few that were having trouble attending and they made my reasons sound lame. They had experienced backsliding and felt the guilt and isolation that came with it. I have never felt such love and compassion as I did last night in that seminary room. 
   I am learning so much about myself. I have and still feel that sense of isolation that they talk about. It is teaching me that "men" are good and try very hard to overcome their bad choices.  My trust in men has been shaky but as I watch these fallen souls struggling to overcome, my faith is being restored. Don't get me wrong - I am no better than they are but my problems have been different. Somehow it hit me last night that my testimony is strong but my faith in certain things is weak.  Does that make sense? 
   I never doubt that God loves, cares and protects me. I never doubt the power of the Atonement. I have just lost faith (trust) in people and it makes me afraid of them. (I believe I have learned something important about myself.) 
   Last night was crucial for me.  I feel a part of those dear people that struggle as much as I do. This has helped me examine myself much the same way I did ten years ago.  I think I need this inventory done on my spiritual progress every ten years just to keep focused on my eternal priorities.
   I love you all.

Women's Group

So I did it.  I went to the women's group last night. 
It's always so awkward the first time, I wanted to get up and leave, felt I didn't belong. 
Then we went around and shared and I talked about my situation and why I was there. 
And it turns out I did belong, because half the women were there for the same reasons as me.  They had fully healed husbands but were still dealing with their own struggles and demons of the past and the damage to themselves that had never been healed. 
So I think this will be good.  They were on step 2 last night and while they use the twelve steps they use a completely different packet for women only, with different viewpoints and insight which I think are going to be really good for me. 
So while I've been completely derailed after Yellowstone I'm feeling ready to recommit to this program and give it another go.

  Last night Gina and I went to an ARP meeting in Mesa.  I had missed so much by being away on a fabulous vacation so when Gina suggested it I agreed.
  We went over step four in the meeting about giving an honest account (written) of your life. I am going to be honest about one of my "honest moments" so hold on to your hats! I feel extreme guilt for not judging situations correctly.  Throughout my life, I have received inspiration and even visions and dreams but none about my dearest JoDee and Julie.  Why? Many times I think I am over everything but then I see the hurt in you, JoDee, and I crumple. The analogy of swimming hit me weeks ago but it is the opposite of Megan's and Andee's swim.  I see myself finally getting to the shore and able to get out but JoDee is still there and I can't get out without her. 
  Jo, I don't care if everyone knows but I am worried about you.  I love you and will not get out of the water without you.  You have suffered many hurtful things but you have all of us. You may not be ready to swim to the shore but we will wait for you.
  I love you all and have a firm testimony that the Atonement works.  Last night one man said that the ARP program is just a step by step way to take advantage of the Atonement in our lives.  I agree.

Today is a Toughie

Today I am drowning. I'm tired, I'm hurt, and I don't want to try today.  My life rollercoaster has severely dropped.  And as the gust of hardships reach me because of the drop and as my stomach rises unaturally toward my throat, all I want to do is cry.  I just want to cry and cry.  To not leave my bed today, lying there until the rising sun wakes me tomorrow.  I don't want to work tonight, i don't know if I can handle facing people, pretending to be cheerful and evermore wearing that pasted on smile.  But what i've also realized today is that it's okay.  I don't have to be strong all of the time.  It's ok to let it all out and have the occasional  pity party for myself.  And feeling this way doesn't mean I'm weak.  It means that I've finally grown smart enough to realize that my body can't hold it in.  It needs time to let the emotions out, even if it means wasting a day every now and than sitting around while letting go of a few tears; tears that I've have exhausted myself trying to hold in.  But tomorrow will be different.  I will wake up early, cheerful and energized.  I will probably go running, finish some cleaning, and than go hang out with some friends before i go to work again. And you know what, tomorrow will be a great today!  But for now, it's back to bed for me.  No matter how lazy my family might think I am.  Because I just don't care what people think anymore.  I can't spend my life worrying about others, it needs to be spent being comfortable with who I am.  Faults and everything.  I'm not there yet but there is progress happening every day.

p.s. (what is the correct way to spell the title?)

Hope, Joy, and Growth

(BEWARE: Might be a lengthy post.  Feel free to skip over)


Drowning in Hopelessness
Darkness.  Complete, total, and absolute
Silently it creeps toward me, smothering
Breathless, I scream but my voice becomes mute,
Thick and Viscous, I crawl my way, wandering

The trials and hardships add on slowly.
E're increasing my impossible load.
I become overwhelmed entirely.
Blindly, I continue down this black road.

Despair takes hold in this ocean of black.
It's futile to remain afloat anymore.
I begin to sink, knowing i can't go back.
I plead for help in my personal war.

On the horizon, a sliver of light.
In the contrasting dark, life suddenly grows more bright.



This was a poem that I wrote about a year and a half ago.  I just found it and thought I'd write about it.  And i know its not the best writing but it pretty much sums up everything i was feeling.  I was drowning.  I literally couldn't face the simple tasks of everyday life.  I felt alone.  Abandoned.  Life just wasn't worth living anymore.  But I wrote those last two lines for hope.  Hope that somewhere along the bleak horizon, no matter how minuscule, I would be able to find a sliver of light.  A glimpse of joy again.  A reason to live.

As I look back on that time on my life, I realize how far I have come.  Now, I have such an appetite for life that sometimes i'm going half crazy!  I just want to go out and experience life!  The good and the bad.  Love, heartbreak, joy, tears, friendship and beauty.  I want to meet people.  To have fun.  To learn, and just to find myself again.  I feel like I've lost every part of myself the past few years.  And more than anything I want to be Me again.  But I feel like im trapped in this prison called Cedar City, chained down by an Iron Fist.  Don't get me wrong, I love Cedar and it's a great place to live.  But I just can't move forward while I still live here.  Everyone here still sees Me as the frumpy depressed teenager.  As long as im still here I won't be able to escape from the Me I hated.  I won't be able to leave my past.  Most importantly, i don't think I could be completely happy.  I will always be seen as the person who im not anymore.  And I hate that fact.  I have just wasted so many years of my life.  I don't want to waste anymore.

(Sorry i got off track for sec)
Back to how much ive grown.  I am happy now, i truly am.  I have my downs, where the roller coaster of life dips down into a complete vertical drop, but this time I know it will go up again.  I have hope.  I have reasons to live.  A lot actually.  And I've learned that you don't have either good or bad days.  Every day is a mixture.  Filled with good AND bad.  You just have to embrace those good moments.  A saying that I love goes like this, " the stars are always there.  But it's because of the surrounding darkness that they are visible.  That they shine and are beautiful." (actually i made that up.  it was way more sophisticated the 1st time i said it though.  but feel free to quote me. haha :) )  So just like a night with stars, its the small everyday joys that makes life worthwhile and beautiful.  And the past few days I've made a list of the things i love about life, mostly the things that get overlooked.

Here is just few. (again, this is more for me to remember, so feel free to skip over)
Breathing untouched mountain air; the smell of a new book; the safe feeling of a familiar place-my own oasis; photographs of well-loved faces-faded and old; a pleasant sound-soft music, a soothing voice; rustling leaves on a tranquil summer evening; the sound of nothing-absolute silence; a friendly smile; a stolen glance; the feel of new clothes; and the feeling of comfortable old ones; a happy ending; a freshly dusted room; a soft bed to sleep in;  the twinkle in a smiling child's eye; a loving embrace; fairytales and happy endings; art-someone's dream coming to life before their eyes; the nervous anticipation of trying something new; the loyalty, love, and friendship of a dog; the joy of accomplishment.

I'm happy at the moment.  I'm traveling down the right road; one that will lead me to a great life where i can be myself and be happy.  And this 12 step is fixing a lot of things for me.  Especially my relationship with my Heavenly Father, something I will treasure for the rest of my life.  Thanks for doing this and always being there for me.

(So this day started out with mostly bad moments.  But now i am in a way greater mood.  See the wonders of thinking positively, even if you have to force yourself)

week 3

Tyler and I went to ARP together last night.  I must admit that I'm still baffled and blank in my personal journey.  While it's abundantly clear that I need this for myself, my road lacks focus.  And I'm all about focus so that's a struggle.

What IS clear to me is how powerful the spirit is at these meetings each week.  I am humbled and refreshed by the testimonies of the people I have met there.  And that is a profound understatement.  These are people who faced/are still facing HUGE battles.  But they are taking the offensive, fighting for their lives and freedom.  I am truly strengthened by their stories.

This week's personal goal for me is abundantly clear:  Get on my knees as soon as I roll out of bed each day!  Keeping it simple.  Anyone want to join me?

I realized today that I can't come to Christ by overwhelming myself with all the things I need to fix, stop doing, or start doing to have that relationship.  I just have to trust in Him and all those things will start to fix themselves. 

The light bulb just got switched on above my head.

And principle 3 was REALLY good read today.