ARP

Last night I went to an ARP meeting.  Something that was really hard for me to do.  Because honestly I get nothing from going.  Maybe I'm just expecting the big change I had when I went to the Group.  IDK.  But they're starting on Step 1 in a week.  I'll be almost done so Ill start over and go with the session this time, maybe it will be better.

Why?

Sorry i havn't wrote for awhile.  Life has just been hard and I feel like I'm running to catch up with all that has happened lately.  And I've realized that I have a lot of anger lately.  I can't help it.  It starts warm and small.  Slowly getting larger and longer; gradually expanding into something uncontrollable.  Until it becomes it's own.  A sickening disease.  No.  A unforgiving monster that slowly constricts around me.  Taking control over my body like I'm no better than a limp puppet.  And I ask myself "Why?"  That's when I realized exactly the reason for the anger.  Why? Why? Why?  There are too many "why's" in this world.  Why do people suffer. Why are people poor or rich.  Why do people lie?  Why do people die.  Why are some people born with handicaps.  Why does Megan have cancer.  Why was I beat and raped.  Why is evil always nearby.  Why does it have to maliciously coil, snake-like, around every being of innocence.  Completely destroying. Why?

These are the kind of questions that bring anger, and they all begin with "Why."  Because, no matter how much faith a person has, these type of questions will inevitably burn in their mind at one point.  Haunting them.  Destroying them almost.  

So what do we do? Or more specifically, what do I do?  Because once it gets started, that fire of anger is hard to put out.  I guess it just goes back to faith.  We will never have answers in this life.  We will never know why these horrible things happen to certain people.  We just need faith to get us through.  To hope that things will work themselves out and improve eventually.  Because as ridiculously incapable and useless we as humans are, that is the only thing we can do.  Trust in God.

The only way to be happy in life is to learn to stop asking those questions.  We  need to learn to accept things as they are and say," you know what, this happened and it sucks.  But I know that i am strong and can handle difficult things.  I am an overcomer, a fighter."  That is the only way to be happy and keep from going insane in life.

 But it's a lot harder said than done.  I don't trust.  Seriously, there are very few people that I completely trust.  Which can be explained by alot of things.  I'm also extremely independent.  I like to do things myself. Cause I don't want to feel like I need anyone.  That I am strong enough to do things myself.  Which can also be explained by alot of things.  And on top of that, just like both of my parents, I am incredibly stubborn.  (Which I have recently come to realize is nothing more than pride most of the time)  So where do I start.  How do I completely turn around and change everything that I have lived by for years?  Seriously, I need some ideas?  Because I try over and over again but come out empty.

Now don't worry too much.  I'm not deeply depressed or angry.  And I have not lost faith.  I'm just frustrated with life.  And this is just my frustrated self pondering about it.

p.s. all others, pretty much everyone besides Megan, should write more.  It helps me a lot.  We should just continue to keep this blog running.  So anytime in life we can come here.  Because it has kind of become my safe haven. I have revealed more about myself on this blog than ever before in my life.  And it has also helped me realize tons of stuff I never knew about myself.  Basically it has helped me find myself a little more.  My true self, not one of the myriad of masks I wear everyday.  So thanks again, to everyone

Gratitude-Step 3

Last nights group was great, we talked a lot about gratitude. 

"Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem and empowers the solution."

Bishop Hibbard once told me that the most powerful prayers I would ever have would be ones of gratitude.  He said that when I was struggling and having difficult days that if I would kneel and have a prayer of gratitude only that my day would change and my heart would be lightened.  I had forgotten that until I was reading through this last night, and it is helpful to look at things with gratefulness, and this includes what we're going through, what we're feeling and even what's frustrating us. 

This came together for me last night, why I'm struggling so hard to surrender.  I'm missing my major step of gratitude, the book says that gratitude helps us to a point of serenity and surrender. 

The first three steps are a foundation for our life, they simplify it by putting it this way:

Step One-I can't

Step Two-God can

Step Three-I will let Him

I'm grateful for this program, it comes in so many ways to offer healing.  I know this is long, but I want to share this last paragraph because it was so empowering and enlightening for me. 

Hopefully it will help whoever might be reading still.

"This is the freedom step. (step 3) In this step we make a decision to live life differently.  We make a conscious decision to begin taking care of ourselves with God's help.  we start creating a life for ourselves, the life that we want to live.  The process of surrender happens not once, but again and again as we master a succession of lessons-lessons of healing, liberation, and love....We will find that our faith has been well placed at last...The journey is exciting.  It holds secrets, mysteries and lessons beyond our comprehension.  It holds gifts bigger than our arms and hearts can hold.  Trust the process.  It will take us where we truly want and need to go-in Divine and Perfect timing.  Trust God's plan, for it is better than ours.  Trust ourselves, for we have now tapped into a power and source infinitely more powerful than anything we've known.  Our Savior, Jesus Christ is knocking at our door to rescue us.  When we give our will to Him, we are opening the door to His loving power and saving plan."