Sorry i havn't wrote for awhile. Life has just been hard and I feel like I'm running to catch up with all that has happened lately. And I've realized that I have a lot of anger lately. I can't help it. It starts warm and small. Slowly getting larger and longer; gradually expanding into something uncontrollable. Until it becomes it's own. A sickening disease. No. A unforgiving monster that slowly constricts around me. Taking control over my body like I'm no better than a limp puppet. And I ask myself "Why?" That's when I realized exactly the reason for the anger. Why? Why? Why? There are too many "why's" in this world. Why do people suffer. Why are people poor or rich. Why do people lie? Why do people die. Why are some people born with handicaps. Why does Megan have cancer. Why was I beat and raped. Why is evil always nearby. Why does it have to maliciously coil, snake-like, around every being of innocence. Completely destroying. Why?
These are the kind of questions that bring anger, and they all begin with "Why." Because, no matter how much faith a person has, these type of questions will inevitably burn in their mind at one point. Haunting them. Destroying them almost.
So what do we do? Or more specifically, what do I do? Because once it gets started, that fire of anger is hard to put out. I guess it just goes back to faith. We will never have answers in this life. We will never know why these horrible things happen to certain people. We just need faith to get us through. To hope that things will work themselves out and improve eventually. Because as ridiculously incapable and useless we as humans are, that is the only thing we can do. Trust in God.
The only way to be happy in life is to learn to stop asking those questions. We need to learn to accept things as they are and say," you know what, this happened and it sucks. But I know that i am strong and can handle difficult things. I am an overcomer, a fighter." That is the only way to be happy and keep from going insane in life.
But it's a lot harder said than done. I don't trust. Seriously, there are very few people that I completely trust. Which can be explained by alot of things. I'm also extremely independent. I like to do things myself. Cause I don't want to feel like I need anyone. That I am strong enough to do things myself. Which can also be explained by alot of things. And on top of that, just like both of my parents, I am incredibly stubborn. (Which I have recently come to realize is nothing more than pride most of the time) So where do I start. How do I completely turn around and change everything that I have lived by for years? Seriously, I need some ideas? Because I try over and over again but come out empty.
Now don't worry too much. I'm not deeply depressed or angry. And I have not lost faith. I'm just frustrated with life. And this is just my frustrated self pondering about it.
p.s. all others, pretty much everyone besides Megan, should write more. It helps me a lot. We should just continue to keep this blog running. So anytime in life we can come here. Because it has kind of become my safe haven. I have revealed more about myself on this blog than ever before in my life. And it has also helped me realize tons of stuff I never knew about myself. Basically it has helped me find myself a little more. My true self, not one of the myriad of masks I wear everyday. So thanks again, to everyone
This runs so deep for me because I have felt the same way so many times, and it's the pride and anger that creep in and become the puppeteer while I dance to their tune. And that can be so frustrating.
ReplyDeleteBut I also have come to realize that this life is not choreographed, Heavenly Father is not creating or making trials for us because we can handle it and are stronger than others. Things in life happen because we all have free agency, whether that’s to harm others or to harm our world/environment/bodies, where cancer creeps in, birth defects happen, people hurt you emotionally/physically. We agreed to come here with all these probabilities, that we might be born poor or rich, struggle with addiction or anger, or be born into an abusive family or a great family. The thing is, none of these circumstances, even the worst we can think of determine our fate or our happiness. WE DO.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said,
“Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need.”
The beautiful thing about all the pain and suffering and confusion and frustration and anger, is that Heavenly Father prepared us for that. He’s given us the atonement to deal with it. And I really think if I (we) can work on the first three steps and submitting our will, submitting our anger and pain to Him, that things will start to change.
Don’t wait for that anger to grow and become uncontrollable, squash it when it’s warm and small and easier to overcome by getting on your knees.
Sorry, this was soooo long!
"Where do I start?" I think you have your answer. As you said yourself, opening up here has been something of a first for you. As a woman who married a man who was extraordinarily closed off, I have to say that this is a huge step in the right direction. The most beautiful relationship in your life is yet to come, and all of this is prepping you for the ability to make that happen. It took Jim and I 3 years to get married after we met precisely because of this reason. Walls that we build can be so painful.
ReplyDeleteI will write more. I feel lame because I haven't taken the time to explore my inners lately, so I'm not sure that I have anything useful to say. Life feels to busy. But I will repent and continue.
You are awesome. Keep on going strong.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome. Keep on going strong.
ReplyDeleteHee Hee.
ReplyDelete