Failure with a side of Humble Pie...

I have completely failed.  It's hard to admit, but I have.  I slacked off doing the book and have not gone to the meetings yet.  I could use the excuses of being completely busy; girls camp, youth conference, the Arts Festival, or just working my butt off the past couple of weeks.  Or even going through the emotional struggles of witnessing a great man die, not knowing what to do with my life, questioning my life and what I believe, and just feeling total anguish over things I can't control.  I could use any one of those excuses.  But inside I know it's just because this is hard.  It's hard to crawl out from the rock that I've been hiding underneath for the past few years.  That BIG, EXTREMELY HEAVY, SOLID, THICK, WIDE, and HUGE rock of bottling things up, not expressing emotions(basically not feeling anything), shutting people out, and not letting myself be happy.  Yeah, that rock.  Makes me angry just thinking about it.

But it's also because I feel like I have failed at everything I have ever done in my life.  I feel like a quitter.  Totally worthless and a disappointment.  I don't know how to let myself succeed at something anymore.  I don't know how to motivate myself when I just feel like I will fail in the end anyway.  Or maybe I'm afraid of failing again so I'm hesitant to even try? I don't know.

So ultimately, it's because of me and my stupid insecurities that I have slacked off.  I feel like Golem (I know, i know; I'm a total geek.  But you guys understand.) with this heinous voice inside my head telling me all of these horrible things.  I am the only thing standing in my way.

So Megan, thanks for that really big slice of Humble Pie. (which I usually get to enjoy every time I talk to you :) I promise, here let me add a little emphasis, I PROMISE to do better.  I will write on this blog at least 2 times a week and I will do my reading every day!!! Hold me accountable. Please.  I want to change.  No, I need to change.  As the wise and oh so awesome Pinterest once said, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  It is time for me to crawl out from under that rock and away from my insecurities.  And to all of you, don't let me look back. Ever.  Because that is a place where I never want to dwell in again.

So Megan, instead of just getting my toes wet while watching you swim.  Here I go.  I will strip and go skinny dipping with you.  Bring on the vulnerability!!

Disappointed

I hate to write a blog that is more reminiscing of a Grandma Bennett letter than an encouraging monologue.  BUT, I think it needs to be said.

I’m disappointed, saddened, discouraged, a little angry and not sure how to address my feelings. 

Am I stepping on toes?  I don’t care; I’ve put my heart and soul out here.  I’ve said and shared things that I wish I could snatch back and keep to myself forever.  I thought we were all in this together? 
I thought we all committed, yet I don’t see others sharing or talking or spilling their demented guts.

It’s just super inconvenient when we all decide to skinny dip our souls, yet I feel like I’m the only one that’s naked and vulnerable in the pool here (with a few exceptions). 

THIS works. 

PLEASE go to a meeting. 

Change is a process, not a singular event.  Trust me, I’m using this as my mantra every day, because this isn’t easy for me or any of us, and I know we all have those whispering doubts wondering if it’s worth the time, well it is.

I am more than my body

These past two days of writing have been rough to face.   John 9:1-3 talks about why God allows forms of bondage such as physical handicaps.  This is close to my heart because of Caleb and all that he has to endure.  I realize that everything must have its opposite.  In order to have good we must have bad, in order to have relief and mercy we must have suffering and pain.  In order to use the atonement in our lives and have a need for the Lord, we must endure bondage, heartache and suffering at times.  It’s always been my most desperate times that I have turned to my Heavenly Father, when I’m in the gall of bitterness, when I’m fearing the loss of my child or my marriage.  I realize that everything has a reason, and while I might fight against that, or proclaim it unfair, I know that Caleb has his disabilities for a reason, maybe it will bring him a closer relationship with the Lord, or it will bring all of us in this family closer to relying on the Lord’s council and comfort.  I want to teach my children that this is why we have things happen, so that the Lord can be present in our lives, so that we can utilize His atonement daily. 

I also have to face my own demons that I am more than my physical body.  Trying so hard to make myself happy by changing my appearance, throughout my life I have always gotten comments from others about how I am always changing the way I look, they never know what to expect. 

“The whirlwind of being thin and admired was pretty heady stuff.  Addiction revisited.” (Colleen C. Harrison)

This quote was me.  When I moved from Iowa back to Mesa, this is what happened.  Everything slipped away, and I lost who I was and I haven’t been able to get that back.  I haven’t been able to reconnect my relationship with the Lord.  This is one of my favorite quotes.

“The Lord works from the inside out.  The world works from the outside in.  The world would take people out of the slums.  CHRIST takes the slums out of the people-and then they take themselves out of the slums.” (Ezra T. Benson)

I AM more than my body.  I’ve been realizing that I need healthiness in my life, spiritual healthiness first and foremost, social, mental, emotional, economical and FINALLY physical.  It’s not being physically healthy that is my demon, no, that is a worthy goal.  The demon is ONLY trying to be physically healthy.  I’m really trying to put my trust in the Lord, to rely on His atonement to become a healthy person. 

keep me going!

I did NOT want to go to the meeting tonight.  I have completely failed at doing my daily homework this week.  When I called Cyndee this afternoon, I was honestly hoping she'd say she and Tyler were too tired.  After all, their house is in post-move chaos still. 

But then I saw Megan's newest post.  And felt the spirit, and with that a slight change of heart.

Then I went to the meeting.   And felt the spirit more, and with that a more complete change of heart.

I'm humbled to realize that I now know I need this program for myself.  Further humbled to realize I  CAN NOT push through it on my own.  I've given up on myself far too often and vitally NEED everyone else's encouragement through blog posts AND the humbling reality of the group meetings each week.  Jim & I decided not to go last week so we could visit his dad for Father's day.  And with that neglect, I so easily lost my zeal for change.  When no one posted this week, part of my commitment dissolved, too.

After Megan's new post and tonight's meeting, I'm back on fire.  And so happy to be. 

So I am here officially committing to go to every meeting from now on (minus Yellowstone time) and to post on this blog weekly.  I truly, truly, truly hope everyone else will do the same.  It will soften all of our hearts and help our healing.

My Jesus

Principle 2 is by far my favorite.  I think it’s because this has always been the most enlightening and exciting chapter for me. 
 I remember when I was a child (and I believe Cyn was the same way) that I would go about talking to the Lord in my head quite frequently.  It was simple conversation.  I don’t remember saying personal prayers, ever, unless Amy, my little mother sometimes, would remind me to do so before bed.  But I remember I felt close to Christ.  I knew He knew me, and I loved Him. 

Now it feels complicated.  And all the distress and complications come from me. 

Alma 24:10, one of our scriptures this week, talks about Christ taking away the guilt from our hearts through His atonement.   That has hit me hard.  When I try to figure out why I struggle to pray, why I’ve complicated and messed up the most important relationship in my life, I realize it’s because the guilt I carry with me in my heart.   And I am making the simplest request that I “come unto Him”, complicated. 

“And the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished.” 1 Nephi 17:41

Today in Relief Society we had someone from the stake presidency come in and talk to us for the first ten minutes.  Guess what he had to talk about??  ARP.  Of course, right? 

But I felt inspired, and the little voice in the back of my head that I’ve had for the past two years telling me to attend the women’s group started screaming at me.    It was kind of like an ‘I told you so’ taunt.  And that’s exactly what the man was there to talk about and testify about, was the importance and the helpfulness of this group. 

So I’m scared to death, but I’m going to be attending this Thursday.  We’ll see how it goes.

the devil inside

INXS song running through my head since I wrote that post title, but isn't it the truth??

EVERY single time something spiritually significant occurs, Satan makes his presence known.  One of the biggest battles of my life was the day I was endowed.  I remember bawling on the phone to Dad early that day, saying I didn't know if I should go through with it.  I didn't know that the struggle was anything but internal, but when he clearly pointed out that Satan was obviously at the root, I knew it was true.

And it alarmed me.  There is NO way I want to hand my agency over to him.

I've felt that same type of struggle this week.  Doing the scripture study and writing each day, I expected floods of spirituality and clarity.  But it hasn't happened.  And it has been spiritually numbing.  But, instead of bearing down and pleading in prayer, I've let these thoughts leak through: "It's not worth it."  "What difference is this going to make anyhow?"  "Things are just fine."  A lack of surety has been planted in my brain, but it isn't what my heart knows to be true....so I know that another battle is brewing.

And it alarms me.  If Satan doesn't want me to continue on this path, I'm definitely headed in the RIGHT direction.

We had a fantastic Sacrament Meeting yesterday.  The speaker shared an analogy.  Imagine you're on a basketball team and the coach explains your strategy.  You are going to use a powerful defense.  No points will be scored by the other team.  Nothing will make its way down the court.  BUT, you're also not going to shoot a single basket.  With that strategy, the outcome can only be a mediocre 0-0 game.  That is NOT winning.  So often our fight against Satan is the same.  We focus on defense.  If he comes onto our turf, we will push him out and not let him take root.  But is that enough?  Or is it only mediocre, at best?  We need to take the initiative to actively fight against him.  My mind has been going over and over that last statement.  What does it mean for me?

What is my offensive strategy against Satan?   

It's not enough to just push him out when he subtly reaches into my mind.  Because what if I'm not paying close enough attention?  What if some of his ugliness makes its way in (and I know it does!)?

So as I study this week, I'll be working on my Offensive Strategy.  It feels vital somehow.  Please let me know if you have any ideas!

Tonight's meeting was scary because Jim and Amy did not go but I forged on.  It's like Tom said, I did it for all of you. Father's Day left our meeting a little sparse - only 5 total. 
   It really struck me that the 12 step program is the "12 steps to recovery".  I need this.  Also our facillitator told about a time in his "recovery" when he was angry about his wife reminding him of a drug test he had promised to take.  Now, he knew it would be clean and he knew that he had promised but he felt like he was doing fine. He resented her asking.  Realization hit him that he needed to go back to step 1 and be honest about his pride.  After his story he told us that if you want this program to work that you need to be honest. He suggested that you open up your view of honesty; view it from all aspects.  He had been honest about his drug use but not honest about his false feelings of now being able to handle it on his own. The need to depend on the Lord, his wife and others was diminishing.  I listened intently because I have been guilty of this independent pride.
   I would like to jump back to Day 7 in the "Delivered" book.  It talks about Moses being in the presence of God and "witnessing to us the tremendous contrast in power, glory and strength between God and man".  Realizing that the apostles and prophets today know this from experience also helps me understand their lives.  They seem so at peace and loving; their understanding is beyond mine. They are humble because of their understanding of the nature of God. 
   My journey this week has been "humility".  This humility has brought honesty to my own search for recovery. I just want to let you all know that I am in this with you forever.
  

The mountain ahead of us

I was at a Stake Priesthood meeting last week when one of the members of the stake presidency related a recent experience about climbing Mount Humphreys, near Flagstaff.  He related a story from a particular group from our stake who had a young man that struggled.  In case you did not know, the peak is 12,637 feet above sea level.  I am sure that I would struggle getting to the top of this peak.  This young man had such great leaders that they even carried his pack.  Even with this help he still struggled.  Ultimately, this young man had such a great leader that he told the young man to hold on and he would pull him up.  This young man held on to his leader’s pack and ultimately made it to the summit.

Right now I feel that we all have a huge mountain ahead of us.  I know that it is going to be difficult for all of us at times.  I hope that each of us will remember each other.  Let us not leave anyone behind.  If you feel you are struggling and cannot make it, reach out to someone.  Please!  Anyone can call me anytime.  I will help drag you up the mountain during your times of need and I hope that when I need help, you will take my pack and drag me. 

I pray that in the end we will learn to not only ask for help from each other, but learn to hand over our pack to the Lord and let him drag us up to the summit. I love all of you guys.  I hope that we all make it together. 

Shane, Nate, Tyler and Jim; I know it is not always easy to express yourself openly. It’s a guy thing. Use this 12 step process. Do not be afraid of the sensitive/spiritual side you may find within. As priesthood holders, I exhort you to lead your loved ones who are participating in this quest to the top of the mountain. 

Principle 1

While reading Principle 1 today I had several things stand out to me that I wanted to share.  It's funny going through this book this time around different ideas and things written jump out to me that didn't before.  And some of the things that I had highlighted asterisks by aren't as relevant for me.  Different journey I guess.

"Whether we come to a broken heart by sinning, being sinned against or struggling futilely to perfect ourselves, we must all come to a place where we are humble enough to acknowledge that without Him we are nothing and can never answer the 'ends of the law' ourselves." (Colleen Harrison)

And for any of us wondering why we are here, why are we doing this program, this is my favorite scripture.  Sometimes I'm so blind to my own weaknesses and faults, I feel like I know what the big ones are and I focus on them, when really they are just manifestations of deeper issues.  This scripture makes me realize that sometimes I need the Lord's help to know what those deeper issues really are.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness...For if they will humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

(Sorry, this is Megan, not Tom.  Didn't realize I was logged into his account.)

My Scattered Thoughts After 1st ARP Mtg,

It’s been an interesting week to watch the humbling process take place in all of us in different ways. 

I’ve been facing some scary truths in myself that I don’t like.  I realize that I live in fear all the time, fear of myself, of others, of events I can’t control. 

I’ve also been thinking a lot about my heritage, the blood that runs in me, who I am, and I’m frightened that I have scary attributes that have been passed down. 

I think about Grandma Jones’ mother abandoning her family for a year, and I worry that I have that in me.  The other day I was so run down and tired and needing a break that I told Tom that I wanted to walk out the door and leave and never return. 

 He insisted that I didn’t have that in me.  But when I look at the examples that have come before me I fear that I do. 

It was shocking.  I look at each side of our families, Cyndee's and Mike's, and I see all the weaknesses there and fear inheriting all of them, or even just a few would be damaging enough. 

So last night I went to my first meeting.  It was a small group.  We took turns reading the chapter, which happened to be Chapter 4 for them this week.   Afterwards we went around the circle and took turns sharing, some passed, and some shared, A LOT. 

When the sharing initially started I felt so insecure as though I didn’t belong in the group.  Some people were sharing specific addictions as to why they were there, most weren’t, but you could tell there was SOMETHING.

When they did finally get around to me I realized that I wanted to share. 

I started off by telling them how I was once told that the definition of an addiction is anything keeping you from having a close relationship with Jesus Christ. 

And that’s why I was there, because too many damaging feelings and thoughts and insecurities are keeping me from having a close relationship with Christ. 

 And that’s the only validation I need for being an active participant. 

Well, I can't believe how the 2nd day of "He Delivered Me" has worked out so naturally.  With humility mentioned, I proceeded on a journey of tears, frustration and self-realization that landed me in a hot-bed of humility! I told Amy and Megan that I felt like nothing. I wrote in my journal that I was blind, mute and lowly. I think my spirit is speeding through this because it knows the way. (I have done the 12 step program with my counseling 10 years ago but I didn't realize)  Anyway, the pieces of my last days that got me to this point are revealing to me because they are direct answer to my prayer. (I wish I would not have prayed for this right now but I know it will not be successful without some pain and suffering.) 
  After the ARP meeting on Sunday night, I looked at all the reasons everyone was doing this and I thought, "Oh, this will be so good for them."  I listened to the people at the meeting and saw how they needed the program but I could not find a reason for me to do this. I am doing this,of course, for support and love of others but I need to experience it to enable me to accomplish this. (Now I'm sure at this point you are all thinking that you could give me a million reasons, but hush your little hearts, I wised up.) I prayed one of those really long, pleading prayers for the Lord to help me work out some goals for myself; after all, I had been through this, solved my problems and moved on.  (OK, I know I have some of you laughing out loud now!)
  Monday, I planned to have 6 little Scott and Hendrix boys over for drawing lessons.  It was a disaster and I YELLED at those little boys.  I was devastated, cried, but defiant. They were defensive, crying and oblivious to grandma falling apart. (Not hard to guess how to match that up) 
   Amy and I escaped to Target to get a cover for my Kindle (which I love). We wandered into the father's day cards and it made me so sad because my dad does not respect me.  I have a hard time pleasing him and you all know: I am a pleaser.
   Then when I was alone, I grabbed my "Delivered stuff" and realized I needed to look at the post.  First off, Satan got involved and as I read your posts I felt unworthy to be in your group of noble daughters of God.  You all sound so in tune and striving and good. I was in "awe" of your words. Then for the next 1hour and 23 minutes, I tried to post. By then, I had sold my soul to the devil, literally.  Never was successful but went to my journal and ranted and raved about elderly, old, stupid people:me.
   New day: Tuesday. I went to a birthday movie with Julie, Loraine and my Mom. Very hard memories began to flood my mind. I still feel "left" by my sisters and parents.  I'm still on probation for introducing Mike into the family.
   Well, the Lord answers prayers and its obvious that this is not going to be painless but we have each other and the Atonement. 

Good - Better - Best

I've been anticipating the starting of this reading all week.  I've read the intro and probably the first chapter before (when I told Megan about it), but that's the extent of my experience with this book.  So I was excited because I loved the introduction before and I knew it had so many awesome quotes and thoughts.  I went to church yesterday and was struck by the many references to things I would be reading that night.  It was like the whole Sunday was in preparation for starting the program for me.  Sunday school was Alma 5 - the "mighty change of heart."  RS was about personal revelation.  And in sacrament, one of my friends gave a talk on revelation as well.

My favorite part of her talk was when she talked about when the Savior asked his disciples to drop their nets and follow Him. She had pondered what was in their nets that they'd just dropped to follow Him.  What is in our nets that we can drop to follow Him? 

"When we put God first, all things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." (Pres. Benson)

That was a favorite quote from the introduction.  As I do this program, I am excited to have that spiritual change inside me.  I am excited to have more faith to put God first.  And when that comes, all the unnecessary things in my net will fall out of my life.   For example, maybe I'll be better at prioritizing and reading my scriptures before spending an hour on Pinterest or reading the news or any number of "good" things that still seem to get in the way of the "best" things.  Good - better - best -- I remember that talk from conference a while back.  It's so true. 

"Satan has a powerful tool to use against good people.  It is distraction.  He would have good people fill life with "good things" so there is no room for the essential ones." (Richard G. Scott)

So can you think of anything in your net that needs dropping so you can more fully follow the Savior? 

I can.

Wow. I can do this, and I am Ready.

When I first heard we were going to do this I became really hopeful.  Because I need this so much right now.  About a year and a half ago Megan tried to get me to do this book.  I started but was never able to finish.  I think I just wasn't ready at the time.  But today, right now sitting in this chair, I am ready.  I am ready to move forward with my life.  I am ready to end this chapter in my story and start a new one.  One filled with happiness, confidence, love, Christ, and acceptance.  Because this is my time, and I refuse to waste another moment of it.

Here is a great saying I recently saw on Pinterest. (Sorry don't know who said it)
"No matter what, once in your life, someone will hurt you.  That someone will take all that you are, and rip it into pieces, and they won't even watch where the pieces land.  But through the breakdown, you'll learn something about yourself.  You'll learn that you are strong. That no matter how hard they destroy you, that you can conquer anyone and anything."

I have been hurt.  Many times.  And by many people.  And you know what, its hard to get over this hurt and pain.  It's definitely not as easy to "get back up on the horse" as people say it is.  But I have learned that I am strong.  I am a fighter and an overcomer.  I know I'll struggle with things my whole life, but right now is the time to collect all those broken parts of me and rebuild.  To rebuild a new me; someone with a strong testimony, who's not afraid to show affection or emotions, and who can withstand the inevitable struggles that are yet to come.

But I also know that it's not going to be easy.  I am going to have to break down a lot of really thick and high walls.  And I might even have to get emotional with some of you(scary!!!)  But please don't let my give up.  Push me as hard as you have to, I might need it.

And I just want to say Thank You.  To everyone.  I know this isn't easy but it means a lot.  I am honestly stumped by how much love there is in this family and how much everyone loves me.  Thank You, I will never forget it.

P.S. I'm really jealous that I didn't go to the 1st meeting yesterday. Although I had a really legit reason not too. And my testimony was seriously strengthened because I didn't go.  But  super excited to go next week!!!(that was me trying to be optimistic.  Hopefully it wont be as forced next time)

ARP Meeting

Cyndee, Jim and I went together to our first meeting last night.  I was relieved to see that they were on Step 12.  Now we can start fresh with Step 1 study this week, culminating with the meeting about that step on next Sunday.  It was obvious that some of the members of our group (including the facilitator) have gone through huge life changes with the help of the ARP program.  After the sharing time, the man who led the group shared his testimony and thoughts that every single member of the church should be required to go through this program at some time.  We all have cycles and addictions to break.  That hit me. 

I loved this quote from President Ezra Taft Benson in the ARP workbook: 

“Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can.  He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace.  Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life.”

This is the end product I would love to see more abundantly.  I want an improved and Real relationship with my Heavenly Father.  Those promised blessings are profound and reach far beyond the spiritual aspect of life - physical, mental, social and emotional welfare are also at stake. 
 
I pondered over this at the meeting, and then in my book reading, I was particularly struck by the author's point about spiritual and physical changes.  We are spiritual creatures,  so any physical (emotional, mental or social) change we try to make MUST be accompanied or preceded by a spiritual change.  That was something I need to hear.  We must create ourselves spiritually before the blessings pour into the other aspects of our lives.    

I can't believe I was even able to sign in to write on this blog.  That was a miracle in itself.  Megs I remember after you did this the first time the change I saw in you and your desire to want to share the gospel and the joy it brought to you.  That light I heard in your voice and saw in your countenance was something I will not forget.  I remember wishing I could be like that.  Well , here is my chance I guess.  Thank you all for the "intervention" as I like to call it.  I know good will come from doing this together and  not having to be alone.   I'm tired of feeling alone, so thank you.  Good luck to us all.

It's Time

For the last few years I’ve been receiving “daily gems” from LDS.org.  Typically it consists of a scripture or a quote from a General Authority.  My inbox has been stormed with 12 step scriptures this past week.  At first I thought it was a fluke, but after several scriptures on humility and being reborn, I accepted it for what it was. 

Maybe the Lord is working on softening my heart in preparation for tomorrow. 

Heavens, I need it. 

Today’s scripture was the icing on my slice of humble pie.

"And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now? Have ye walked, keeping yourselves blameless before God? Could ye say, if ye were called to die at this time, within yourselves, that ye have been sufficiently humble? That your garments have been cleansed and made white through the blood of Christ, who will come to redeem his people from their sins?"

Alma 5:26-27

I have experienced a change of heart and felt the intensity of Christ’s redeeming love.  It’s painfully humbling to admit to not feeling that now.   

This is my third time going through this.  It’s humbling to think that I continually need drastic action and effort on my part to keep myself spiritually healthy.  I thought the first time was magic and everlasting, but nothing is if you don’t keep your end of the bargain, and I never have.  I’m hoping and praying that third time really is a charm.  That the intensity and momentum of everyone joining in and working together on the same thing will create a lifetime of support to encourage one another to keep growing and working towards salvation. 

There has never been a better time to do this. 

We all have emotional problems???

Okay, I just threw this blog together and sat there for minutes wondering what to make the address.  Then I simply put what came to my mind.

Jim always talks about "emotional problems" - usually it's with rolled eyes and referring to our young, of course, but when pressed even slightly he readily admits that he has as many emotional problems as anyone (and he even MORE readily admits that I do, too)....everyone does.  Even before we have a chance to create our own baggage in life, we carry that of our parents and their parents and so on...which can add up to an extraordinarily heavy load, indeed.

The only TRUE WAY to lighten that load is through the Savior's Atonement.  So I guess that's what this journey is about for me personally.  I want to further my understanding of the atonement.  I'm excited to take the journey with all of you who I love (and I say that knowing full well that part of our shared generational baggage is an awkwardness in expressing love, so please don't cringe, and I'll promise not to try to hug you when we're all a bit more healed).

I looked up the ARP classes in our area.  Jim and I plan to go on Sunday nights at 7:00.

And we'll be working through this book as we go, as well.  It focuses even more on the Book of Mormon and the atonement than the classes do (according to our Megan expert).