Well, I can't believe how the 2nd day of "He Delivered Me" has worked out so naturally. With humility mentioned, I proceeded on a journey of tears, frustration and self-realization that landed me in a hot-bed of humility! I told Amy and Megan that I felt like nothing. I wrote in my journal that I was blind, mute and lowly. I think my spirit is speeding through this because it knows the way. (I have done the 12 step program with my counseling 10 years ago but I didn't realize) Anyway, the pieces of my last days that got me to this point are revealing to me because they are direct answer to my prayer. (I wish I would not have prayed for this right now but I know it will not be successful without some pain and suffering.)
After the ARP meeting on Sunday night, I looked at all the reasons everyone was doing this and I thought, "Oh, this will be so good for them." I listened to the people at the meeting and saw how they needed the program but I could not find a reason for me to do this. I am doing this,of course, for support and love of others but I need to experience it to enable me to accomplish this. (Now I'm sure at this point you are all thinking that you could give me a million reasons, but hush your little hearts, I wised up.) I prayed one of those really long, pleading prayers for the Lord to help me work out some goals for myself; after all, I had been through this, solved my problems and moved on. (OK, I know I have some of you laughing out loud now!)
Monday, I planned to have 6 little Scott and Hendrix boys over for drawing lessons. It was a disaster and I YELLED at those little boys. I was devastated, cried, but defiant. They were defensive, crying and oblivious to grandma falling apart. (Not hard to guess how to match that up)
Amy and I escaped to Target to get a cover for my Kindle (which I love). We wandered into the father's day cards and it made me so sad because my dad does not respect me. I have a hard time pleasing him and you all know: I am a pleaser.
Then when I was alone, I grabbed my "Delivered stuff" and realized I needed to look at the post. First off, Satan got involved and as I read your posts I felt unworthy to be in your group of noble daughters of God. You all sound so in tune and striving and good. I was in "awe" of your words. Then for the next 1hour and 23 minutes, I tried to post. By then, I had sold my soul to the devil, literally. Never was successful but went to my journal and ranted and raved about elderly, old, stupid people:me.
New day: Tuesday. I went to a birthday movie with Julie, Loraine and my Mom. Very hard memories began to flood my mind. I still feel "left" by my sisters and parents. I'm still on probation for introducing Mike into the family.
Well, the Lord answers prayers and its obvious that this is not going to be painless but we have each other and the Atonement.
I love that whether we can see or identify or label what our problem is, the truth is that we all have a problem. I don't know anyone is this world who is perfect and isn't in need of this program. I'm just grateful we're all in it together.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I had a hard time figuring out what I needed help with as we started this, but as I've begun reading and pondering, I've realized that that's the problem: we think of the atonement as something for all the HUGE things in our lives, but not the little things. In Miracle of Forgiveness, Pres. Kimball says we should repent and use the atonement EVERYDAY. I think we sometimes forget that we even need help with the not-so-obvious-or-huge-problems.
ReplyDeleteI realized/pondered this morning before work about how I could use some humbling and help with my parenting strategies with London (who is quite the trial). Then I realized Nate and I should make it a threesome in this parenting gig (using the Lord) - which we've done, but not on a regular basis -- only in those "crisis" moments when we're at our wits' end and are driven to our knees. But why do we wait til then? Why not ask for help before then? I don't know. There were so many little things that I could improve -- not spending too much dinero, recognizing needs vs wants, reading my scriptures/praying more regularly, the list can (and does) go on and on and I can't wait to strengthen my spirit and be better and learn from all of YOU!