I have completely failed. It's hard to admit, but I have. I slacked off doing the book and have not gone to the meetings yet. I could use the excuses of being completely busy; girls camp, youth conference, the Arts Festival, or just working my butt off the past couple of weeks. Or even going through the emotional struggles of witnessing a great man die, not knowing what to do with my life, questioning my life and what I believe, and just feeling total anguish over things I can't control. I could use any one of those excuses. But inside I know it's just because this is hard. It's hard to crawl out from the rock that I've been hiding underneath for the past few years. That BIG, EXTREMELY HEAVY, SOLID, THICK, WIDE, and HUGE rock of bottling things up, not expressing emotions(basically not feeling anything), shutting people out, and not letting myself be happy. Yeah, that rock. Makes me angry just thinking about it.
But it's also because I feel like I have failed at everything I have ever done in my life. I feel like a quitter. Totally worthless and a disappointment. I don't know how to let myself succeed at something anymore. I don't know how to motivate myself when I just feel like I will fail in the end anyway. Or maybe I'm afraid of failing again so I'm hesitant to even try? I don't know.
So ultimately, it's because of me and my stupid insecurities that I have slacked off. I feel like Golem (I know, i know; I'm a total geek. But you guys understand.) with this heinous voice inside my head telling me all of these horrible things. I am the only thing standing in my way.
So Megan, thanks for that really big slice of Humble Pie. (which I usually get to enjoy every time I talk to you :) I promise, here let me add a little emphasis, I PROMISE to do better. I will write on this blog at least 2 times a week and I will do my reading every day!!! Hold me accountable. Please. I want to change. No, I need to change. As the wise and oh so awesome Pinterest once said, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." It is time for me to crawl out from under that rock and away from my insecurities. And to all of you, don't let me look back. Ever. Because that is a place where I never want to dwell in again.
So Megan, instead of just getting my toes wet while watching you swim. Here I go. I will strip and go skinny dipping with you. Bring on the vulnerability!!
I wasn't yelling, I was passionate. Didn't mean to deliver a slice of humble pie, I just don't want to do this alone, I need the support group as much as anyone else, and I was starting to panic a little in feeling alone in this.
ReplyDeleteI also don't know where the line is drawn to guilting/bullying everyone into doing this with me and just going it alone and keeping my own business.
Thanks for writing, it's good to hear how it's going for everyone, good or bad. I think we need to share it all, it really is helpful to know that we're all struggling, it hasn't been easy for anyone.
I love & admire your honesty, Andee. And I totally get the Golem analogy, have felt that way often. Even as I'm doing things the wrong way (yelling at my kids, etc!), I'm having a similar conversation and watch myself in horror.
ReplyDeleteWe've all got a long road to travel! So glad you're on that road with me!
I am glad to hear the committment in your voice. I am learning about myself and I only wish that I had been as smart as you when I was in high school. You are getting "it" and I do believe that the meaning of "it" is the Atonement.
ReplyDelete