Failure with a side of Humble Pie...

I have completely failed.  It's hard to admit, but I have.  I slacked off doing the book and have not gone to the meetings yet.  I could use the excuses of being completely busy; girls camp, youth conference, the Arts Festival, or just working my butt off the past couple of weeks.  Or even going through the emotional struggles of witnessing a great man die, not knowing what to do with my life, questioning my life and what I believe, and just feeling total anguish over things I can't control.  I could use any one of those excuses.  But inside I know it's just because this is hard.  It's hard to crawl out from the rock that I've been hiding underneath for the past few years.  That BIG, EXTREMELY HEAVY, SOLID, THICK, WIDE, and HUGE rock of bottling things up, not expressing emotions(basically not feeling anything), shutting people out, and not letting myself be happy.  Yeah, that rock.  Makes me angry just thinking about it.

But it's also because I feel like I have failed at everything I have ever done in my life.  I feel like a quitter.  Totally worthless and a disappointment.  I don't know how to let myself succeed at something anymore.  I don't know how to motivate myself when I just feel like I will fail in the end anyway.  Or maybe I'm afraid of failing again so I'm hesitant to even try? I don't know.

So ultimately, it's because of me and my stupid insecurities that I have slacked off.  I feel like Golem (I know, i know; I'm a total geek.  But you guys understand.) with this heinous voice inside my head telling me all of these horrible things.  I am the only thing standing in my way.

So Megan, thanks for that really big slice of Humble Pie. (which I usually get to enjoy every time I talk to you :) I promise, here let me add a little emphasis, I PROMISE to do better.  I will write on this blog at least 2 times a week and I will do my reading every day!!! Hold me accountable. Please.  I want to change.  No, I need to change.  As the wise and oh so awesome Pinterest once said, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  It is time for me to crawl out from under that rock and away from my insecurities.  And to all of you, don't let me look back. Ever.  Because that is a place where I never want to dwell in again.

So Megan, instead of just getting my toes wet while watching you swim.  Here I go.  I will strip and go skinny dipping with you.  Bring on the vulnerability!!

Disappointed

I hate to write a blog that is more reminiscing of a Grandma Bennett letter than an encouraging monologue.  BUT, I think it needs to be said.

I’m disappointed, saddened, discouraged, a little angry and not sure how to address my feelings. 

Am I stepping on toes?  I don’t care; I’ve put my heart and soul out here.  I’ve said and shared things that I wish I could snatch back and keep to myself forever.  I thought we were all in this together? 
I thought we all committed, yet I don’t see others sharing or talking or spilling their demented guts.

It’s just super inconvenient when we all decide to skinny dip our souls, yet I feel like I’m the only one that’s naked and vulnerable in the pool here (with a few exceptions). 

THIS works. 

PLEASE go to a meeting. 

Change is a process, not a singular event.  Trust me, I’m using this as my mantra every day, because this isn’t easy for me or any of us, and I know we all have those whispering doubts wondering if it’s worth the time, well it is.

I am more than my body

These past two days of writing have been rough to face.   John 9:1-3 talks about why God allows forms of bondage such as physical handicaps.  This is close to my heart because of Caleb and all that he has to endure.  I realize that everything must have its opposite.  In order to have good we must have bad, in order to have relief and mercy we must have suffering and pain.  In order to use the atonement in our lives and have a need for the Lord, we must endure bondage, heartache and suffering at times.  It’s always been my most desperate times that I have turned to my Heavenly Father, when I’m in the gall of bitterness, when I’m fearing the loss of my child or my marriage.  I realize that everything has a reason, and while I might fight against that, or proclaim it unfair, I know that Caleb has his disabilities for a reason, maybe it will bring him a closer relationship with the Lord, or it will bring all of us in this family closer to relying on the Lord’s council and comfort.  I want to teach my children that this is why we have things happen, so that the Lord can be present in our lives, so that we can utilize His atonement daily. 

I also have to face my own demons that I am more than my physical body.  Trying so hard to make myself happy by changing my appearance, throughout my life I have always gotten comments from others about how I am always changing the way I look, they never know what to expect. 

“The whirlwind of being thin and admired was pretty heady stuff.  Addiction revisited.” (Colleen C. Harrison)

This quote was me.  When I moved from Iowa back to Mesa, this is what happened.  Everything slipped away, and I lost who I was and I haven’t been able to get that back.  I haven’t been able to reconnect my relationship with the Lord.  This is one of my favorite quotes.

“The Lord works from the inside out.  The world works from the outside in.  The world would take people out of the slums.  CHRIST takes the slums out of the people-and then they take themselves out of the slums.” (Ezra T. Benson)

I AM more than my body.  I’ve been realizing that I need healthiness in my life, spiritual healthiness first and foremost, social, mental, emotional, economical and FINALLY physical.  It’s not being physically healthy that is my demon, no, that is a worthy goal.  The demon is ONLY trying to be physically healthy.  I’m really trying to put my trust in the Lord, to rely on His atonement to become a healthy person. 

keep me going!

I did NOT want to go to the meeting tonight.  I have completely failed at doing my daily homework this week.  When I called Cyndee this afternoon, I was honestly hoping she'd say she and Tyler were too tired.  After all, their house is in post-move chaos still. 

But then I saw Megan's newest post.  And felt the spirit, and with that a slight change of heart.

Then I went to the meeting.   And felt the spirit more, and with that a more complete change of heart.

I'm humbled to realize that I now know I need this program for myself.  Further humbled to realize I  CAN NOT push through it on my own.  I've given up on myself far too often and vitally NEED everyone else's encouragement through blog posts AND the humbling reality of the group meetings each week.  Jim & I decided not to go last week so we could visit his dad for Father's day.  And with that neglect, I so easily lost my zeal for change.  When no one posted this week, part of my commitment dissolved, too.

After Megan's new post and tonight's meeting, I'm back on fire.  And so happy to be. 

So I am here officially committing to go to every meeting from now on (minus Yellowstone time) and to post on this blog weekly.  I truly, truly, truly hope everyone else will do the same.  It will soften all of our hearts and help our healing.

My Jesus

Principle 2 is by far my favorite.  I think it’s because this has always been the most enlightening and exciting chapter for me. 
 I remember when I was a child (and I believe Cyn was the same way) that I would go about talking to the Lord in my head quite frequently.  It was simple conversation.  I don’t remember saying personal prayers, ever, unless Amy, my little mother sometimes, would remind me to do so before bed.  But I remember I felt close to Christ.  I knew He knew me, and I loved Him. 

Now it feels complicated.  And all the distress and complications come from me. 

Alma 24:10, one of our scriptures this week, talks about Christ taking away the guilt from our hearts through His atonement.   That has hit me hard.  When I try to figure out why I struggle to pray, why I’ve complicated and messed up the most important relationship in my life, I realize it’s because the guilt I carry with me in my heart.   And I am making the simplest request that I “come unto Him”, complicated. 

“And the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished.” 1 Nephi 17:41

Today in Relief Society we had someone from the stake presidency come in and talk to us for the first ten minutes.  Guess what he had to talk about??  ARP.  Of course, right? 

But I felt inspired, and the little voice in the back of my head that I’ve had for the past two years telling me to attend the women’s group started screaming at me.    It was kind of like an ‘I told you so’ taunt.  And that’s exactly what the man was there to talk about and testify about, was the importance and the helpfulness of this group. 

So I’m scared to death, but I’m going to be attending this Thursday.  We’ll see how it goes.

the devil inside

INXS song running through my head since I wrote that post title, but isn't it the truth??

EVERY single time something spiritually significant occurs, Satan makes his presence known.  One of the biggest battles of my life was the day I was endowed.  I remember bawling on the phone to Dad early that day, saying I didn't know if I should go through with it.  I didn't know that the struggle was anything but internal, but when he clearly pointed out that Satan was obviously at the root, I knew it was true.

And it alarmed me.  There is NO way I want to hand my agency over to him.

I've felt that same type of struggle this week.  Doing the scripture study and writing each day, I expected floods of spirituality and clarity.  But it hasn't happened.  And it has been spiritually numbing.  But, instead of bearing down and pleading in prayer, I've let these thoughts leak through: "It's not worth it."  "What difference is this going to make anyhow?"  "Things are just fine."  A lack of surety has been planted in my brain, but it isn't what my heart knows to be true....so I know that another battle is brewing.

And it alarms me.  If Satan doesn't want me to continue on this path, I'm definitely headed in the RIGHT direction.

We had a fantastic Sacrament Meeting yesterday.  The speaker shared an analogy.  Imagine you're on a basketball team and the coach explains your strategy.  You are going to use a powerful defense.  No points will be scored by the other team.  Nothing will make its way down the court.  BUT, you're also not going to shoot a single basket.  With that strategy, the outcome can only be a mediocre 0-0 game.  That is NOT winning.  So often our fight against Satan is the same.  We focus on defense.  If he comes onto our turf, we will push him out and not let him take root.  But is that enough?  Or is it only mediocre, at best?  We need to take the initiative to actively fight against him.  My mind has been going over and over that last statement.  What does it mean for me?

What is my offensive strategy against Satan?   

It's not enough to just push him out when he subtly reaches into my mind.  Because what if I'm not paying close enough attention?  What if some of his ugliness makes its way in (and I know it does!)?

So as I study this week, I'll be working on my Offensive Strategy.  It feels vital somehow.  Please let me know if you have any ideas!

Tonight's meeting was scary because Jim and Amy did not go but I forged on.  It's like Tom said, I did it for all of you. Father's Day left our meeting a little sparse - only 5 total. 
   It really struck me that the 12 step program is the "12 steps to recovery".  I need this.  Also our facillitator told about a time in his "recovery" when he was angry about his wife reminding him of a drug test he had promised to take.  Now, he knew it would be clean and he knew that he had promised but he felt like he was doing fine. He resented her asking.  Realization hit him that he needed to go back to step 1 and be honest about his pride.  After his story he told us that if you want this program to work that you need to be honest. He suggested that you open up your view of honesty; view it from all aspects.  He had been honest about his drug use but not honest about his false feelings of now being able to handle it on his own. The need to depend on the Lord, his wife and others was diminishing.  I listened intently because I have been guilty of this independent pride.
   I would like to jump back to Day 7 in the "Delivered" book.  It talks about Moses being in the presence of God and "witnessing to us the tremendous contrast in power, glory and strength between God and man".  Realizing that the apostles and prophets today know this from experience also helps me understand their lives.  They seem so at peace and loving; their understanding is beyond mine. They are humble because of their understanding of the nature of God. 
   My journey this week has been "humility".  This humility has brought honesty to my own search for recovery. I just want to let you all know that I am in this with you forever.